I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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