apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Drunk is a universal language darling
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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