I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize