my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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