are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
