I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
