I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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