I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
