I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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