Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
