I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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