I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
