there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
