Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
