You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
