if i can run in heels then i can drive
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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