he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
