if only i could text you this smell
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
