Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
