Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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