I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize