holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize