Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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