Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
