Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
