I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
