May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
