if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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