I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
