and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
