Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
