cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
