hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He passed out mid-signature
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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