I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
COCAINE IS GR8
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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