Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
