hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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