Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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