So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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