I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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