Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize