Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
birth control should be required to get into college
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
