she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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