bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
