I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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