see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
