i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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