I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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