I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
