I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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