I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
worst night to have a conscience
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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