the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
