I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
