At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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