When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
