He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
