i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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