So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Randomize
