Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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