someone get that fucking seahorse.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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