i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
