I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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