1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
