I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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