The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
