Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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