I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
