Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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