I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
