Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
