Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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