sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
