Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
