just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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