Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize
