Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
