the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize