I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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