You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
