OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
