First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
